


Peter Parkers Secret Drug Club

by kaseybaby



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Drug Use, Gen, Peter Parker Calls Tony Stark "Dad", Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23378614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaseybaby/pseuds/kaseybaby
Summary: When Peter's parents find out that he's using, they just want to help him.Okay, I accidentally deleted this so here it is again. Thanks for reading!
Relationships: Peter Parker & Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	1. bad liar

Peter had always been hit or miss when it came to lying. Even when he was younger and he knew that he would get in trouble, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Sometimes he could lie his ass off and no one would notice. But he’s finding it exceptionally hard to not lie right now. His dad had just asked him a pretty mild question. He’s sure every parent had asked their kid that question at some point: Have you ever smoked weed before?

“Well?” Tony asks, amused. He just wanted to see the kid squirm. But, when Peter doesn’t respond quickly like he expected, he looks up from his equation for a new suit.

“Um... no?” Peter lies. He kicks himself for the lie and for not being good at them.

“When did you do it?” he asks. Tony’s not angry, especially seeing as he’d had his fair share of indulges back in college. He’s honestly just surprised. His kid was a goody-two-shoes, was there something he wasn’t telling him? Was it because he’d been hanging out with that MJ girl? The need for answers had come over him.

“Well, um, it was at Ned’s house. His dad uses it for the arthritis he has, and Ned just stole some. It was a one-time thing, really. I won’t do it again. Just, don’t tell Pepper-”

“Don’t tell Pepper what?” Pepper smiled as she walked into the workshop. She gave Tony a kiss as she set her work bag down.

“Peter smoked weed, apparently.” Tony snickered. He still didn’t care a lot, but he knew Pepper would. This was the sort of thing that sent her into her mom lectures.

“He did what? And you weren’t going to tell me?” she asked.

“I didn’t want to worry you. It was a one-time thing at Ned’s. Besides, I hardly felt anything.” He was lying through his teeth and he felt guilty as ever. Especially since it wasn’t a one-time thing and it was the best feeling he’d ever had. He looked back down. He really hated the fact that he couldn’t lie better. He wouldn’t even be having this stupid conversation right now.

“One-time thing? Peter, this is serious. You can’t smoke weed. Do you know the dangerous effects that it could have on your body? Your dad barely made it out of college with all the weed he smoked.”

“Hey! I turned out just fine. Look, Pete. I think the point that your mom is trying to make, is that you don’t want to throw your life out of the window just to fit in. You’re really smart and I’d hate to see you get wound up with the wrong crowd.” Peter nodded even though he felt like sinking into the floor. He didn’t want his parents to see him as a delinquent (even if he was on occasion).

“I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again.” _Lies._

“That’s my boy. Now, let’s get some food, I’m starving.” Tony stood and lead the two others out of the room. He knew that Peter was a good kid, but he couldn’t help feeling like there was more to that story.

***

The next day at school, Peter felt better. His parents hadn’t grounded him, only made him promise that he wouldn’t try anything ever again, to which he agreed. When he found Ned and MJ at his locker, he smiled. He knew he needed to tell them though.

“Okay, so remember that one time that we smoked weed at your house?”

“Hello to you too Peter,” Ned joked. “Yeah, why?”

“Well, my parents found out. Don’t worry, they’re not going to tell your parents. And I’m not grounded, so I guess it worked out.”

“That sucks,” MJ said, not looking up from her book.

“Did they find out about the other stuff?”

“No, Ned. I wouldn’t openly admit to having Xanax in my room.”

“He’s only asking because you’re a shitty liar.” MJ smiled. That night had been crazy. Not only because they had found more weed, but they’d also found Mrs. Leeds Xanax pills. They’d kept it a secret for as long as he could remember.

He just hoped that his dad wouldn’t ask about that night further. He hadn’t thought about an excuse or back up plan.

***

“Don’t you trust him?” Pepper asked. It was a little late for that question, seeing as Tony was digging through Peters's dresser and desk, looking for anything that would make him guilty. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t care yesterday, but as the night when on, he couldn’t fight the urge to look for evidence. He _had_ to be hiding something.

“Of course I trust him. But if he’s hiding something from me, I deserve to know. He didn’t even come to me about the weed thing.”

“I don’t think that you’re going to find anything. He said he only did it once.” Pepper didn’t expect to spend her off day doing this.

“Maybe not. You can never be too- BINGO.” He pulled out an orange pill bottle with two white pills in it. Pepper gapped at it. She was rooting for Peter, hoping that he wasn’t hiding anything, because she knew how badly Tony would react if he found out about him doing anything.

“We should wait to talk to him until he gets home.” Pepper sighed.

“Out of all of the things he could be hiding from us, I didn’t think it’d be this.”

Pepper sat down next to Tony on Peter’s bed. “This is going to sound bad, but I’m not surprised. You did it, I did it. Almost every teenager does it. It’s not an excuse but we do need to reign him in before it gets out of control. And we will. We can fix this.” He nodded before standing.

He couldn’t have his kid go down the same road that he’d gone down. Couldn’t have him destroy his future like that. Not like Tony almost did.

***

“Hello, Peter. How was school?” Karen asked. Even though she was an AI, her voice still sounded comforting.

“It was good, Karen. Got any crime for me?”

There was a slight pause before her answer. “Yes, but I would like to alert you that your curfew has been changed to one hour from now.”

He was confused. He could have sworn that his parents _hadn’t_ put him on punishment. Maybe they’d changed their minds in the middle of the day. But wouldn’t they have called him and said so? He shook his head, reminding himself that he only had a little time. “Alright. We’d better hurry then.”

With that, he was off. Webbing up three muggers, walking home a little girl who was lost, and still have enough time to change back into normal clothes and get home.

When he got there, though, it was eerily quiet. He could, of course, hear the loudness of the city, but he couldn’t hear his dad or Pepper anywhere. He shrugged and made it to his room, just grateful to be home and maybe get some answers about his curfew. When he made it to his door it was open, and he couldn’t help the panic that ran over his body. His dad and mom were sitting on his bed, holding that orange pill bottle that he’d tried to hide. His clothes were strewn about his room and his belongings were all over the place. _Oh, God,_ he thought, _they know._

“Hey, Pete. We need to have a talk.”


	2. flip flop

So, of course, like any teenager who just got called out about their actions, Peter reacts with anger. “You went through my room? That’s not your fucking place!” He knows that he has no valid argument, but he does want to stall the inevitable: his parents punishing him. But this is _drugs._ He doesn’t know what type of trouble he’ll be in. The thought of having to see a therapist makes him even more scared.

“You’re not the one who should be angry here, Peter. Drugs? _Really?_ I thought we taught you that you could come to us at any point in time. Why would you keep something like this from us?” Tony’s still baffled that he’d smoke weed, let alone took prescription pills that aren’t his.

“You expect me to just come out and say it? Maybe I didn’t want to talk about it with you because I knew how you’d react.” He rolls his eyes. Why did he pick that hiding spot? “You went through my fucking room. You didn’t even ask me first!”

“And you would have told us then?” Pepper asks. She waits a minute for dramatic effect. “I didn’t think so. Look, Peter. We only want what’s best for you, and the road that you’re taking isn’t going to get you there.”

“Fuck this,” Peter mutters. “I’m fifteen, and it’s just Xanax. It’s not like I’m shooting heroin. I’m still Spider-Man, I’m still able to function at school. _I’m fine._ ”

Tony decides to skip over the bullshit that he just heard and on to his next question. “Did you get them from Ned?” He can hear his privileges being provoked right then. Will he ever get to hang out with Ned or MJ again? What about patrolling? The thought of those things being taken away makes him want to cry. He chooses to nod instead of saying no, fearing that his voice will betray him. He’s moved on to the second stage of teenage angst: crying.

“We just- I- I thought I could handle it after the first time. It was fun. It made me forget everything that had happened in the past years. I could just be in the moment with my friends. I felt _normal._ ” It’s true. The last year had been hell. With May passing away in a car accident, the feeling of knowing that he couldn’t save her and still wanting to at the same time contaminating his brain, he hadn’t felt normal in a long time. But then Tony had come along, saved him, helped him. But even with the love and affection, he felt from Tony and Pepper, he still had horrible days and nightmares. Just wishing that it never happened or that he could have at least stopped it.

“Oh, Pete,” Pepper whispered. She moved to guide the boy back to his bed where Tony was. Once he sat down, it was like a dam had burst and it honestly scared Tony how quickly his mood had changed from anger to sadness. Nevertheless, he wrapped him in a hug, even if he was still _very_ angry at him. Right now, he needed comfort. And that’s what he would provide him with.

###

When Peter woke up, he instantly wished he didn’t. Because now, it was time to face the music. He was surely in a lot of trouble. He moved the blankets away from his body and tried looking for his phone but didn’t find it. _They must have taken it_. If they took it, they would be privy to the thousands of text conversations that Ned, MJ, and him all had about the subject. He wondered if Tony would call Ned or MJ’s parents and get them in trouble. He had a feeling of impending doom. Everything had changed.

“Friday, where’s mom and dad?”

“Boss and Mrs. Potts are currently in the kitchen. Would you like me to get them for you?”

“No thanks, Fri.” he quietly padded to the kitchen. He was sure that they would be talking about him and he strained to hear what they were saying.

“I just don’t know what got into him. I thought he would have talked to us about this type of stuff.” Tony sounds stressed and that sends a feeling of guilt through Peters's chest. He’d never meant for him to be upset about him. Pepper comforts him with sweet nothings as they hug. Peter feels _horrible_ , and he feels even worse that he wants the drugs even more now.

He slowly walks into the kitchen and sits down. Why didn’t he pick a better hiding place? “Hey, Pete. Have a nice nap?” Tony asks. He nods silently, wishing to be anywhere but there. His phone is sitting on the kitchen counter and he wonders how they felt as they read through all the things he’d said.

_MJ: i can get us oxy from my cousin_

_Ned: dude that’s so cool._

_Peter: cool’s one way 2 describe this. do u need any money 4 it?_

_MJ: nah, it’s cool. just give me until tuesday._

The Oxycodone had made him feel light and airy. He’d taken a risk when he took it, especially because his parents were in the next room over and could have walked in at any moment and caught him staring at the ceiling and looking like a zombie. At the moment, it made him feel like he could do anything. And now thinking back on it, all he felt was guilt.

“So, we need to talk about how we’re going to handle the situation, bud. I know that you think that you can manage this, but you can’t. Nothing good can come of this.” he nodded again, not really sure what to say.

“We read through the messages and we know everything that went on. We’re not going to tell on MJ and Ned, but we are going to restrict your phone privileges and when you can hang out with them. There will be no patrolling for the next month. You go to school, you come home, understand?” Pepper stroked Peter’s hair as she said it. She always hated being a disciplinary parent and he hated himself for putting her in that position.

“They’re really not all to blame. I did this too. Don’t hate them, please. I don’t know if I could handle that,” he paused to take a breath. “We took some of them in the house, that one time you guys asked what we were so happy about. I’m sorry. I really am. It got out of control.”

Tony takes a deep breath to steady himself because this is a lot to take in. He was doing it right under his nose and he didn’t even fucking know? He had the urge to lash out like Howard but decided against it. That was all the kid needed.

“Okay, bud,” he wrapped him in a hug. “We’ll figure it out.”

*6 Months Later*

“Good morning, family!” Peter yelled. Really, everyone had been up for hours and he was just now waking up, but he didn’t care. He was in a good mood. Today was the day that a lot of good things were happening. He’d finally get off of his strict patrol hours, he’d finally be able to see his friends without Tony or Pepper breathing down his neck, and he’d finally get to meet the Avengers! He’d been a ball of energy for 3 days since he’d received all of this news.

“Good morning, sweetheart. You want some toast or bacon?” Pepper kissed his cheek as she went to get a plate. She was amazed at how far he’d come. With the routine drug tests that they’d done, the rules of transparency that they’d established, and the restricting of a lot of things that Peter had access to, he always seemed to have a remorseful and open attitude. She was just glad that he was finally back to his bubbly, happy self, even if there were bad days in between.

“Thanks, mom. Am I allowed to go patrolling right after this? I have a pretty packed day ahead of me.” He really directed the question towards Tony, seeing as though he had the power over those types of things. He had to unlock his suit and had even replaced all of the old protocols that he had in place before. Though it was annoying, he knew that they had to do it. They were just worried, and he aimed to never make them feel that way again… We’ll he aimed to never let them find out about it again.

Ned’s invitation for MJ and him to come to his house for some of their old fun couldn’t have come at a better time. Peter could tell you firsthand that the sober life was not for him. Especially when his friends were still doing it. But he had played the role well for his parents and that’s all that mattered at the time. Even if he did feel like shit for lying, he was happy that his parents believed him.

“Sure, Pete. But, remember that this is temporary. Your privileges can be taken away at any time and I’m not afraid to do it if you step out of line, got it?”

“Got it.” Peter smiled his most innocent smile and Tony smiled back, ruffling his hair.

_Suckers._


	3. meeting

Peter can’t remember the last time he felt this free. The last time that he swung through Queens without his dad keeping a close watch on him. He’d taken out the protocols that restricted him from being out without a timer and Peter had to practically stop himself from hugging his father with overwhelming appreciation. He still felt guilty about the fact that he was lying, but the feeling had been replaced with excitement.

Ned had texted him to ask if he would still be coming over and he told him that he would be there when his patrol ended. Another thing he was grateful about was the fact that his parents didn’t monitor his phone all the time anymore either. At the three-month mark, they’d decided that he was responsible enough to have it back, but of course, gave him that same warning that it could be taken away anytime.

As he swung through the streets looking for any crime that he could find, he looked down at one of the slummier parts of the city. Junkies were either asleep or muttering nonsense to themselves, and it honestly scared Peter. He reminded himself then, though, that he’d never be like them. He would never let his hobby get out of control. After all, he could manage it, right? But even as he had moved on to fighting a guy who was trying to assault a girl, he couldn’t shake the pictures of the people splayed on the sidewalk, not caring what happened to them. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his head and sighed. It was still going to be a fun night, even if his mind was playing tricks on him.

He texted Ned to open his window and made a smooth descent into the boy's room, smiling at his friends who were chatting amongst themselves.

“Miss me?” Peter smiled. The two of them laughed at his stupid joke and made room for him to take a seat. Nothing had changed in the time that he wasn’t allowed to come over to Ned’s. It was hotter due to the summer approaching and he’d taken down a couple of Star Wars posters. The thought of Ned outgrowing something without him there to outgrow it with him made his stomach turn. What else had he missed?

“Sure, loser. Why’d you ditch our meetings anyway?” MJ pried. Her voice was light and airy, but her words made Peter panic.

“Uh… my parents were just being strict. I fucked up and they came down on me pretty hard.” He lied. Crazy how he’d become better at that.

“Cool.” Neither of them seemed to care about the lie anymore and had moved on to the main event. MJ moved to the floor and picked up her backpack. She shuffled through school papers until she found what she was looking for. “Alrighty. I think we should start out with a welcome back gift for Peter. You probably need this anyway. Did you take anything while you were grounded?”

Peter shook his head. His thoughts were bombarded by the thought of taking those pills again. The thought of how it would feel to let go and just _be._ He wondered how he would mask it without his parents finding out or if they’d make him take another drug test. These were short-lived thoughts though because the baggie was coming his way. Those four pills that would finally let him feel something again, he wouldn’t feel like shit all the time when he was around his parents. He could let go.

“Thanks, guys.” No one spoke for a while, just happy to be in each other’s company. It stayed like that for ten minutes, with the occasional joke until Peter got a notification.

_dad: Are you on the way home? Everyone’s here._

_peter: otw, see u soon._

“I’ll see you guys on Monday. We’ll do something for the end of school.” Peter smiled as everyone nodded in agreement. He pocketed the pills and was out of Ned’s house quicker than you can say “this is all going to go to shit”.

***

“His name is Peter, right?” Natasha asked. She was eager to meet him. Any kid that could get Tony this worked up over him being a couple of minutes late, was worthy of meeting. Tony sighed and set down his wine glass. He was trying to be more lenient. Mostly because he knew that he had to give Peter room to be a kid. But, something about him being in the same place that Ned and MJ were, the people who had started him on this shit, _really_ bugged him. He hoped that he didn’t let it show when Peter talked about how excited he was to see his friends, but he had a hard time masking it.

“Yes, his name is Peter. And it’s taking him a long ass time to get home right now.” Pepper rubbed circles on Tony’s shoulder and tried to assure him that it was nothing. When the elevator dinged and let out a very happy teenager, everyone looked up to see him. He still wore his Spider-Man suit and was out of breath from rushing to get back. He didn’t want to seem suspicious.

“Hey! Sorry I was late, I got caught up at Ned’s,” He hugged his mom and dad before turning back to the group. “And as much as I’d like to converse with you guys right now, I think I should do it in some other clothes.” He joked. This was the Peter that Tony had missed.

He ran out of the room before anyone could say anything else and returned quickly with a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt on. Everyone could definitely see how starstruck he was right now. Who wouldn’t be? He was sitting in front of the Avengers. And they all looked so domestic.

“I’m sure you know who these guys are. Bruce, Steve, Natasha, Clint, Bucky, Loki, Thor, Wanda.” Everyone nodded at him as their name was said.

“Wow. It’s like so cool to be sitting with the freaking Avengers right now. You’re all so awesome. I don’t think I’ve ever done something so cool in my entire life. And Captain America sir, I’m so sorry for stealing your shield back in Germany. Okay, I’m rambling. I’m gonna shut up now.”

“It’s fine, son.”

Even though the pills were in the other room, in a _better_ hiding spot and he was very excited to take them, this also made him excited. He’d been around the Avengers in battle, but he’d never actually talked to them. He wondered if they thought he was cool or not. He hoped they did.

“We finally get to talk to the famous Spider-Man. I’ve seen the YouTube videos, you’ve got talent, kid.” Natasha said. The compliment made him smile before looking back down at his lap.

“How’d it happen?” Clint asked.

“How’d what happen?” Peter asked.

“You know, the whole Spider-Man thing. You just woke up and decided to be a guy who swings around the city?”

Peter felt a tinge of anger run through him before he responded. “No, I didn’t just decide to be Spider-Man. I was bitten by a radioactive spider.” He wondered why he was coming at him like that. Then he remembered. When aliens had attacked New York again, Peter had been invited to fight alongside them. Though it was a nice gesture that they’d thought of him, he knew that it was really because they’d need as much help as they could get.

Clint had made a mistake in his coordinates while trying to plan a surprise attack and directed the group _towards_ the danger instead of away from it. Peter had been the only one to pick up on this because of his spidey sense. They’d praised him for it and Clint must have still been salty about it.

“So, you were just randomly bitten? What a coincidence. It could have been anyone.” The sheer stupidity of the jab should have provided Peter with some comfort, but instead, he took it to heart. He knew that he’d worked hard for everything that he had. He knew that it wasn’t just fate that made him who he was, but it still _hurt._

“Alright, Clint. Stop being an asshole and apologize.” Natasha laughed. There was no way that he was just joking when he said those things.

“Sorry, Spidey. That was rude of me.” Clint didn’t mean it and Peter could tell. He was embarrassed by being upstaged by a kid, but did that give him the right to act like an ass?

Peter laughed along with everyone else (Pepper and Tony thought nothing of it) and excused himself to his room. He’d told himself that he would wait until a special occasion to take the pills, but right now all he wanted to do was take them. In fact, that was the only thing he wanted to do. His entire personality as a superhero had just been questioned, and he felt like shit.

Lots of questions raced through his head.

_Did he deserve to be Spider-Man?_

_Was it all just fate?_

_What if there was someone else out there that deserved to get bitten?_

He shook the thoughts out of his head as he moved towards his bedroom. He held the small oval pill in his hand. He pondered if he should do it or just save them. But the human mind has a way of allowing our desires to take over.

So, he did it. And if he was being honest, it felt better than it did six months ago.


	4. close call

_MJ: i have a suggestion about what we should take next_

_Ned: spill it_

_MJ: percs. i hear it’s a really good trip. only problem is that i don’t have the money 4 it._

_Peter: i can get the money_

_MJ: wait, dude, seriously? that would be so cool. alright, i’ll tell my cousin that ur coming by to pick it up_

_Peter: sounds like a plan_

_Ned: see ya soon_

If you asked Peter what he was thinking when he said he could get the money, he wouldn’t have an answer for you either. The first thought that came to his mind was his dad’s wallet that had been openly laying on the counter when he came home from school. The Avengers had left for a while, leaving the trio to themselves. He didn’t tell his parents about how bad Clint made him feel because he thought it made him seem like a wuss. Everyone else just thought it was playful banter. Especially the way Clint said it. He’d shrugged it off, deciding the words weren’t worth him working himself up.

He quietly walked down the hallway, trying to avoid anyone at all costs. He could hear his parents in their bedroom talking about money and he thought of this as his window of opportunity. When he walked into the kitchen, the lights were off. He sighed a breath of relief at no one being there, even though he knew that no one would be.

“Friday, turn the light’s up by ten percent.”

“Sure, Peter. Your heart rate is spiked, are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” He hadn’t thought about Friday snitching on him, but he thought that if no one asked her directly about the encounter, she wouldn’t say anything. He looked behind him once again just to be safe and then slipped the twenty dollars out of his dads’ wallet and into his pocket. He placed the wallet as it’d been before and started to walk back to his room.

“Hey, Pete.” Tony smiled. Peter practically jumped out of his skin at his father’s presence.

“Hey Dad, what’s up?” he asked. He tried his hardest to keep the nervous shake in his voice to a minimum.

“Nothing, just came back to get my wallet. I tossed it in here and forgot about it for a second. Why’re you in here?”

“I was looking to see if we had Pop-Tarts and we did, so I’m gonna go back to my room now.” He rushed when he spoke, and he hoped that he could just slip away. He couldn’t handle the thought of his father finding out about him stealing. He would be so disappointed in him.

“Wait a second, Pete. It’s only six. Your mom and I wanted to take you out to dinner. We haven’t been out in a while.” _Since you found out about my activities._

“Sure, dad. I’m gonna change really quick.” Tony nodded at him. He chalked his nervous behavior up to him just being a normal teenager. Peter exhaled once he shut the door to his room. He hid the twenty in the hiding spot meant for his pills (He’d cut a hole in his mattress) and quickly thrown on one of his dress shirts and khakis. He knew that if he was going out with his parents, it was going to be fancy. This didn’t stop him from wearing his Vans, despite Pepper asking him countless times to just wear his dress shoes.

He quickly made his way to the kitchen and waited for his parents. Once everyone had made it into the car and to the restaurant, he visibly relaxed. Though he knew it was unlikely, he felt like Tony would pull out his wallet and demand to know if anyone had taken his money. He kept a close eye on him through his peripheral vision.

“So, what do you want from here, Pete?”

“I’ll probably just get a steak.” He said. He didn’t feel like eating really, but if he didn’t, he knew how suspicious he would look. He forced a smile on his face and listened to his parents talk amongst themselves. He didn’t really want to be here right now. If he was at home, eating a pizza or takeout, he would be just as happy. That’s what he’d been doing for the past six months anyway.

When his food arrived, he tried to look like he was excited to eat the expensive food that his parents were buying for him, but all he felt was guilt. Why had he taken that money? Why had he even volunteered to do it in the first place? He centered himself because he knew that an anxiety attack here wouldn’t do anyone any good. When he was upset, he ended up sharing way too much. That was something that he needed to work on also.

“Peter, honey? Are you okay?” Pepper asked. Concern laced her tone as she spoke.

“Uh… yeah. I was just thinking too much. I’m alright.” He picked at the broccoli that he’d ordered as a side and wished that they’d just go back to their conversation and leave him to wallow in his guilt.

“Are you sure? We can leave if you want.” _Yes, please!_

“No seriously, everything’s okay.” He lied right through his teeth and it made him feel like shit all over again.

“Check, please,” Tony said, totally ignoring Peter’s protests. This sent Peter into a silent panic. He watched as Tony pulled out his wallet. He watched as his face turned from concern to confusion.

“I could have sworn I had another twenty in here.” He muttered. Pepper glanced over to her husband and shook her head.

“Tony, this happens all the time. You probably gave it to the pool boy or something.” He seemed to agree with her before paying with his credit card. Peter exhaled again. This time he smiled at the both of them. They didn’t deserve to be put through all of this over him. He just hoped he never had to steal from Tony ever again.

***

Peter glanced at his phone as he walked down the strip of rowhomes. Once he reached the address that MJ gave him, he knocked. A man that looked closely to MJ but different at the same time answered. “Peter?”

He nodded as the guy ushered him in. The inside looked like a normal house. A couch, a television, bags of suspicious powder on the table. Peter followed him into the kitchen, glancing at the refrigerator with a family portrait on it.

“I normally sell these for more, but MJ’s my favorite cousin. You get the family discount.” Peter nodded and smiled, exchanging the money for the pills. He was out of there quickly, it still bugged him that he was doing something so very illegal, but hey, we all gotta get our kicks somehow.


	5. back to you

Peter had never taken a nap like this before. He was at peace as he slept, no bad thoughts clouded his thoughts. No one was there to hurt him and that brought him peace. After delivering the pills to MJ and Ned and then taking one himself, he’d quickly slipped into a dazed slumber.   
If he was sober, he would have heard Friday saying a repeated phrase. But he wasn’t and it took him a while to actually register what the hell she said. “Boss would like you to come to the living room.” This time, he stretched and stood up. His high was coming down and that pissed him off, but he knew that it would happen eventually. Now he was just grumpy. If he could have continued to sleep blissfully, he would love that, but the universe never allows you to do the things you want.   
Upon standing up, he felt the room spin. He grabbed on to his nightstand to stable himself before walking to the bathroom. Okay, he thought to himself, new objective: don’t look high. Once he had centered himself (as much as one can when their high on Percocet) he walked toward the hallway and out to the living room.   
Pepper held a glass of wine in her hand as she diverted her attention between looking at her paperwork and looking at the television. A laugh track rang through his ears and he had to stop himself from snapping and telling Pepper to turn it off. Tony worked on his Starkpad but stopped immediately when he saw Peter shuffling over to the couch. He sat down on the couch ungracefully, his hair matted and his shoulders hunched like he was trying to disappear. He wore a sour expression and bounced his leg up and down. He looked miserable.   
“You alright, bud?” Tony asked jokingly. He still thought that this was just him being a moody teenager. Oh, how he was wrong.   
“Yeah.” The clipped word snapped Pepper out of her work as she looked over at the boy, confused.   
“Did you have a good day at school? I’m sure that you’re glad it’s Friday.” Pepper tried to break the awkward silence with a new topic but this did nothing to stop his one-word answers.   
“Yup.” The couple looked at each other before returning their gaze back to their kid. What the hell was wrong with him?   
Peter shifted under the weight of their stares. He wasn’t doing a good job playing this off, was he? The urge to get up, go to his room and just sleep, was overbearing. “Is there a reason that you called me out here? Or can I go back to bed?” He tried to keep the annoyance out of his tone, but it was hard when they wouldn’t look away from him.  
“Watch your tone, Peter. We just wanted to check on you. You’ve been in there since you got home, we were just worried.” Pepper scolded.   
“You don’t have to fucking worry about me!” he exclaimed. He wanted to stand but was sure that he would lose his balance again and his cover would be blown.   
“Language! What’s gotten into you?” Tony was surprised when those words had left his mouth, that was Cap’s catchphrase.   
Peter looked down and tried to calm himself down. God, he didn’t want to be here right now. He didn’t have to take this. He could leave. But where would you go? May’s?” A mean voice tormented him. He shook the thought of her away. What would she think about his behavior? Would she be disappointed? Tears welled at the thought of May. He missed her so much that it hurt. And even when he wasn’t thinking about her, something would remind him about her. He couldn’t cry right now. This was not the time to-   
The sob left his mouth before he could stifle it. It was sudden. Foreign in his mouth. He hadn’t felt this way since the accident. That terrible fucking accident. Were they still looking at him? Why hadn’t they turned their heads? Stop looking at me-   
Pepper and Tony both wrapped him in a hug. Tony felt confused at his change in attitude but he didn’t bring that up. He knew that he generally sucked at emotions, but Peter had brought that out of him. He felt like he had to be a better father than his father had been to him. He had to give him actual love and attention instead of money and distractions. He intended to get better at the whole emotions thing because he wanted Peter to be able to talk to him. He wanted him to feel like he could, even when he fucked up. He was sure that he was doing a better job at them. Peter was more honest with him than ever. Honest.   
After ten minutes of crying, his sobs turned into sniffles. He tried to push himself of his parents but they stayed. “Can you like get off of me for a second? I gotta pee.” They laughed to themselves as Peter faked one too. He quickly escaped to the bathroom before that could stop him again.   
“That was…”   
“Yeah. What do you think that was all about?” Tony asked. Pepper shrugged at him before looking in the direction of the bathroom.   
“Maybe he just had a bad day, you know? Needed to get rid of some emotions?” Yeah, get rid of some emotions was definitely a way to describe Peter rummaging through the medicine cabinet. He didn’t want to run out of his stash any time soon, so he’d have to improvise. Was it a dumb idea to get high with his parents in a close vicinity? Yes. Did he care at the moment? No.   
He slowly extracted a pill bottle, trying not to be heard. Cue Parker luck.   
“Peter, honey? Are you alright? We know that today could have been stressful for you, just know that you can talk to us.” she knocked again, this time more urgent. Did she think that he’d OD’d? He put the bottle back and opened the door. His scavenger hunt would have to wait.   
“I’m fine, mom. Today was fine, I was just tired and stressed out and I took it out on you.” It was only a half-lie. It had been a very stressful day at school. He had a test in almost every class but his mind kept going back to the pills that he had. He could barely focus. He knew that he probably passed them all but it was hard focusing nonetheless.   
“Oh, Pete. I’m sorry today was so crazy, hopefully, the weekend is all you need to be ready for Monday.” He nodded though he highly doubted that this was true.   
No matter what he did, his mind always went back to the pills. 


	6. cold turkey

Sitting in their bed, neither of them had brought up the elephant in the room. Something more was going on with Peter than just “being stressed”. Pepper tried not to think about it. She was worried and she’d never been worried about anyone except for Tony like this before. She steadied her hands, afraid to show that they were shaking. Tony didn’t know why he was so nervous. It _pissed_ him off that he couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his kid. It upset him more to think that he was hiding something from him. He didn’t want to make assumptions, but he didn’t want to leave too much room for him to do something stupid. Something that could permanently fuck up his life.

It was then that he noticed Pepper’s shaking hands and held them. They had to discuss it at some point, and he knew that, but he didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to believe that Peter was messing up his life right after they’d just tried to fix it.

“Something’s wrong with him. He won’t say it though.” Pepper stated the obvious. She needed to lay out the facts and Tony nodded in agreeance. Who knew parenting would be this hard? “Do you think he’s using again?” Even though he knew that it was the topic they were supposed to discuss, he still winced when she said it.

“Maybe. Do you want to do a drug test on him?” Pepper shifted at the words. For all of the six months that they had Peter on punishment, she’d always questioned if she was doing this right. Was she being too harsh? At times she wanted to scream at him for being so reckless and other times she just wanted to wrap him in a hug and question why he did it. She thought that he did it because of May, but she didn’t know because he _wouldn’t_ talk to them.

“We don’t know if he’s doing it. I don’t want to accuse him of something that he didn’t do just because of one off night. Maybe he was actually stressed.”

“I’ll check his room again. If he _is_ hiding something, he needs to know that he can talk to us.” She nodded and put her head in the crook of his neck.

***

 _Kid needs to clean his room,_ Tony thought. He pushed another book out of the way as he rummaged through a box filled with them. He didn’t think he’d find it in there, but he just wanted to be sure. If you looked closely enough, you could see the remnants of what once was. Before Peter became so hostile towards his parents and put on a mask of happiness when he truly felt the deepest depression. Tony liked to think about those times, even if it was all fake.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He thought he had told Friday to notify him if Peter returned early from the gym. Pepper had made him promise to not get too carried away as she went to an SI meeting.

“Peter, it’s not what you think-”

“Not what I think? Because right now it looks like you’re invading my privacy _again_.” He hoped that his anger would mask his complete and udder nervousness. If he just decided to move the sheets a little, he would find his stash. He would have to explain it all. The thought of that happening made his skin crawl.

“I’m not invading your privacy, bud. I’m doing this for your own good.”

“What are you talking about? Do you think I’m using again?” He’d taken a Xanax before leaving for school. He feared that everything would come crashing down if he didn’t. His nerves would take over and he would be kicked out of Midtown. That _could not_ happen.

“Actually yes. Pepper and I discussed it last night. You were acting weird.”

“You heard my explanation! I was stressed! I told you that! So every time that I’m upset, you’re gonna think I’m using again?” Peter really felt none of these emotions. He wasn’t angry at his parents for checking. Frankly, if he was in their position, he would do the same thing.

“Last time, I didn’t even know that you were, so excuse me for being concerned!”

“There’s the Tony Stark that everyone knows and loves. You had your fair share of pills back in the day. You’re a hypocrite!” Peter really did feel like shit for saying everything that he was saying right now, but if he was keeping Tony off his scent then he would keep doing it.

Tony took a deep breath before looking up at Peter’s red-rimmed eyes. He was _so_ tired. He couldn’t sleep without the pills. He couldn’t function. Tony tried to remind himself that he shouldn’t lash out at him. That he was just asking like a teenager and not to take it to heart, but it still kind of hurt.

He guided Peter out of the room and into the living room. “Something is going on, Peter. And I know that you’re trying, and I’m trying to trust you. But you need to give me something to go on here, Pete. You have to talk to me.” Peter really did try to tell him. He thought about forming the words to inform him about the stash or the drug deal, but he just couldn’t. He would get in trouble; everything would go to shit. He decided to pick another problem that he was having.

“It’s just- I miss May so much. And I know it’s stupid, but I don’t want her to feel like I’m forgetting her. I could never forget her,” he paused to take a shaky breath. He didn’t want to cry right now. “She was all I had for so long. I worried that the people around me will vanish, just like her. I-I don’t like to think about it, but I know that it’ll happen. It always happens.” He looked down at the frayed rug.

“Pete, thanks for telling me. I know it’s hard to say how you feel and I’m proud of you. I don’t say it enough, I know. You’ve come such a long way since the accident. I’m sorry if we ever made you feel different. We’ve never done this before. We’re changing and evolving just like you. Give us some time to get better at the whole trust thing, please. We’ll get there.” He wrapped Peter in a hug then, letting the boy sob into his shoulder.

He had to believe that everything would get better. He _had_ to.

***

When Pepper had returned and found Tony and Peter cuddled together, she sighed in relief. Tony had informed her of the conversation later that night. Now, in this family meeting, her goal was to find out what he needed. If she was being honest, she was at a loss. The closest she’d been to someone who had done drugs was Tony and that was a long long time ago.

“Okay, Peter,” Pepper sat down next to him on the couch and faced him. “I know that we didn’t have a lot of discussions when it came to what you needed during that time. We kind of just made the rules and expected you to follow. But in hindsight, I realize that you need to be a part of the rulemaking process too if you’re ever going to heal.” She took a deep breath and glanced at Tony who only nodded at her.

“Well, um okay. I can definitely say that I don’t want you guys just going through my room. It makes me feel like you guys don’t trust me, even though I know why you’re doing it. Just talk to me first, please. I’m trying to be more open.” He glanced down again, afraid to meet his parent’s eyes.

“We’ll try not to do that anymore, as long as you’re honest with us. And if you’re feeling bad, you have to tell us,” Tony said. “I don’t want you to be like I was. Scared to tell my parents anything because I was afraid that I would get in trouble. If you need help, you need help. We’ll deal with the repercussions after we make sure you’re okay.” Tony’s openness made Peter feel even guiltier. His parents were actually trying, and he was being a shit about everything.

They must have noticed his downcast mood because they moved to comfort him. Telling him that everything would be alright. He wouldn’t feel this way forever. He didn’t really believe the last one. He didn’t know how to stop that feeling. It was so damn annoying. He was always _unsure_ or moody. He wondered if they ever considered putting him back in the system but he usually shushed that though. He knew that Pepper and Tony cared for him, otherwise he wouldn’t be living here. But it was still hard sometimes to shut up the voices in his head telling him that he would never get over that feeling of not being wanted. He felt like he would always second-guess himself.

_You don’t have to take the pills._ The thought rang out in his head like the firing of a gun. What if he just stopped? His parents wouldn’t be so sad all the time, he could finally get on with his life, problem solved. And as much as he wanted to do that, the thought of being without them, hurt just as much. He hoped that his emotions didn’t show on his face.

He made a proposition to himself on that sunny day in June: If he could go a week without them, he would reward himself with them. He knew it was stupid. Why didn’t he just stop fully? Flush them down the toilet and move on? Because he could finally prove something to himself. He could show his willpower to himself if not anyone else.

How hard could it be?


	7. another sleepless night

Realizing that you have a problem and actually doing something about it, were two different things. Peter was recognizing this pretty quickly. Sitting in his bedroom, unable to sleep and waiting for his parents to wake up, was his self-proclaimed lowest point. You may be wondering to yourself how _this_ could be it. Because even in his haziest highs, he could still _sleep._ That’s why he was so worried. He hadn’t slept all night and once it was 1 a.m. he gave up on sleep. The insomnia was new, but he felt like he could handle it because he always handled everything. For a moment, he wondered if all of this was worth it. If restraining himself would provide him any relief. He kept telling himself it would and as long as he persevered. As long as-

“Peter?” Pepper asked, interrupting his spiraling thoughts. He realized then that his light was on. She was probably wondering what he was doing up. He shifted on the bed so he was facing the doorway and told her she could come in. She smiled and came to sit next to him. “What are you doing up so early? You’re usually still asleep.” Her voice was warm, and if he wasn’t having his own personal dilemma, he would allow himself to be carried away by it.

“I just woke up.” He lied. She nodded and stood up, an invitation for him to stand also. Once he was out of his room, he felt as if some weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Without the pills in his room to tempt him, he felt like he could breathe.

“Tony’s in the lab if you want to stop down there. I think it’d be good for you guys to spend some time together.” He nodded at her suggestion and walked to the elevator. The sleepless night had given him some time to think and he comes up with a conclusion: the spider bite was limiting the effect of withdrawal. He figured that he’d gotten the standard side effects of depression, anxiety, insomnia, the works. But nothing as bad as a normal human. He was grateful for it. He hated the insomnia, but would take it over having to battle it alone.

Once he’d reached the lab, he smiled. He had happy memories here, something that he didn’t want to give up anytime soon.

“Hey, bud. Didn’t expect to see you up so early.” His father smiled.

“Yeah, I guess it’s a bit early for me. What are you working on?” He desperately wanted to steer the conversation away from himself, fearing that he would spill his guts to his dad if they didn’t. He was good at keeping secrets but even he could admit that his mouth let things slip out sometimes. That was something else he was trying to work on.

“New nanotech. I was also thinking about upgrading your suit. Maybe making it bulletproof?”

“Sounds good.” He yawned and he had to laugh at the irony. He really did want to sleep but it just wouldn’t come.

“Excited about the end of school?” Tony asked as he focused on some spare metal. The two talked for hours about science and upcoming plans before it was noon. They took the elevator back upstairs and sat at the table.

“Well, you guys disappeared for a while. Do anything exciting?”

“Dad’s building my suit to be bulletproof!” Peter said. He was oh so tired and if he could, he’d be asleep right now. His dad (thankfully) hadn’t noticed him staring into space and zoning out at times and he was glad for it.

“That’s awesome, honey. I’m sure it’ll come in handy.” As they ate their sandwiches in comfortable silence, Peter’s brain produced thoughts that seemed to be coming quicker than he could process them. He felt _so_ sluggish and tried to keep up with everything that was going on inside his head. He felt like he was stuck in a limbo between understanding and being completely lost.

“Pete, are you okay?” Tony asked. He’d watched Peter carefully stop eating his pasta and sit down the fork, staring at nothing.

Peter shook his head to regain his focus and smiled at his father. “Yeah, yeah, I’m great. Just zoned out for a second there.” He laughed though nothing was funny and began to eat again. His father’s eyes didn’t leave for the rest of the meal.

***

_100, 101, 102…_

His muscles burned with the repeated act of doing pushups. He thought that if he tired himself out, he would be able to go to bed. He was wrong. He’d gone through his entire workout routine and he still wasn’t tired. Playing off how worried he was that he wasn’t sleeping, seemed like the best option at first but now he was anxious about it. What if he was slowly dying? What if this was his body's way of letting him know that it’d given up on him. What if-

“Peter? What are you doing?” Tony asks from the doorway. He scrambles to stand up, wishing that Friday would have alerted him.

“Couldn’t sleep.” He says. He hopes that he doesn’t sound nervous because right now, he definitely is. He hopes that his father can’t see through his façade of only being up for one night.

“It’s four in the morning. Why didn’t you tell one of us?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up. Besides, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Pete, there are dark circles under your eyes. That’s kind of big deal. Why don’t we try to make you some warm milk?”

“Really, dad, it’s nothing. I just couldn’t sleep this once. I’ll be fine I swear.”

Tony seemed to stare at him for a long time, trying to figure out a way to respond or if he even believed him. What Peter didn’t know is that Tony had known something was up in the lab. He'd seen the same symptoms in himself when he couldn’t sleep. “Alright, promise me you’ll let us know if something’s going on.”

He put on one of his best fake smiles before responding. “Of course.”

He’d lost track of how many times he’d lied to his parents.


	8. relapse/regret

Tony finds out about his son’s relapse on a Saturday in summer. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and Peter is sprawled on his floor looking like a zombie. He’d only taken the Xanax as a reward and because he thought his father wouldn’t be home until later. But, Tony being Tony was bored at the brunch he was being forced to attend and decided to leave. He couldn’t have come home at a worse time.

“Peter?” he yells throughout the house. He sets his sunglasses on the table and loosens his tie. The house is quiet and thus heightens his fear that something is wrong. He peers in the doorway of the living room, finds no one and moves on to his son’s doorway. He knocks on the door and when he receives no answer, he opens it.

Peter has a dazed look in his eyes, staring at the ceiling like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. He’s lightly gripping the carpet and breathing in shallow breaths. “Peter, buddy, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey dad. Just lying on the floor right now or something.” The sentence makes no sense and with the way that Peter is talking, he sounds like he’s tipsy-

Oh.

_Oh._

“How much did you take? Friday, how much did he take.” He’s not sure if he’s more angry or worried but the way his voice shakes, shows a little of both.

“Peter took three Xanax pills.”

“And why didn’t you tell me?” He sits peter up so his back is on the bed. He’s starting to fall asleep and honestly, Tony’s glad. He doesn’t know how he’d be able to have a coherent conversation with him if he didn’t sleep it off.

“I was only programmed to tell you if something life-threatening was occurring.” He ignored the last part and focused on getting the boy onto the bed. He sighed a sigh of relief when he started to sleep. Something in him was slowly breaking. He didn’t know it had gotten this bad. How many times did he do it? When? What else did he take? All of these questions raged through Tony’s head as he started to back out of the room. And for the first time since he found out that the boy was using, he cried.

***

Pepper didn’t cry when Tony told her. She nodded and sighed, slipped her stilettos off and sank into the couch. She hugged Tony and told him that they were going to fix this, that they were going to get Peter into a good rehab and get him the best damn therapist that money could buy. The hard part was going to be getting Peter to go. These things had to be done willingly and they didn’t know if he’d want to go.

“Boss, Peter has woken up,” Friday informed. Tony had programmed her to tell him when he woke up if he did anything that could _lead_ to something life-threatening, etc. he thanked her before they stood together. Walking towards his room was a reminder of what had happened all those months ago. He reminded himself not to yell like his father, to hear the boy out first, because Peter was sick.

They opened the door before sitting down at the two chairs that occupied his room. They sat in complete and udder silence, each of them afraid to open this can of worms again. Tony hoped that he’d never have to have this conversation with Peter again. He hoped that he had been stern enough the first go around. Obviously, he was wrong.

“Aren’t you going to yell at me?” Peter’s hair was still mused with sleep as his legs dangled off of his bed. “I’m in trouble, you caught me, yell at me.”

“We don’t want to yell at you, honey. We just want to understand. Why?” The question had been asked before but still no answer.

“Why what? Why did I use? Because I wanted to.”

“No, no. There’s a reason behind all of this. _Why_?” Pepper asked the question again, this time with a harder tone. She was losing her ability to stay calm cool and collected.

“The rush? The distraction? I just wanted to live a little.” Tony knew that that wasn’t the actual answer. The truth would take time to pry out.

“How many times?” Tony’s question startled Peter because he hadn’t had enough time to think. He hadn’t had enough time to think about how he would answer that question without adding to the suspicion. And the longer that they sat here in silence, the more suspicious he seemed. He sighed before speaking.

“Since I went out as Spider-Man for the first time again. I went to Ned’s and got some then.” His head was down the whole time. The rebel in him was slowly seeping out. He felt the weight of it all, felt the guilt. He let them down _again._ He didn’t know why he thought defying them would make him feel better because he felt like shit right now. “I’m sorry.” It was the first of many.

“Where are the others?” Tony didn’t mean to sound so tense, but he couldn’t help it. Not only was he pissed at his son for doing it, he was hurt that he didn’t come and talk to him about how he was feeling. And as selfish as that sounded, it was the truth.

Peter moved from his spot on the bed and pulled back the duvet to reveal a tear in the mattress. _It was fun while it lasted._ He took out his stash that he’d accumulated over the past three weeks and handed them to his father. Tony’s hands shook as he held the white pills. His breath hitched, his mind went fuzzy. The familiar feeling of soothing his problems with alcohol and drugs rushed back to him. He dropped them before wrapping Peter in a tight hug. They both sobbed on each other’s shoulders as Pepper rubbed their backs.

_They were going to be okay._

***

Peter wanted to interject. Wanted to tell his parents that he didn’t need rehab and he most definitely didn’t want them to waste their money on him, but he couldn’t find the words. He knew that he’d hurt them deeply, and the thought of disagreeing with them right now, hurt him more than the idea of them spending their money on them. So he nodded along even though he just wanted to be at home for all of the summer. His parents hugged him every so often and they even cried. The more that he saw their hurt expressions, the more he felt the guilt chip deeper and deeper into his heart. This drove him to say “I’m sorry” more than he should’ve.

“Don’t apologize honey. We’re going to get this all sorted out.”

And when the tears slipped out of his eyes, he’d wipe them away.

Because he was guilty.

Because he did this to himself and therefore didn’t deserve to cry.

Because he regretted everything.


	9. misunderstanding

The treatment facility is cold. Everything is white, including the couch. There’s a sign that tells you what to do if you don’t speak English and need a translator. The sweatshirt that Peter is swimming in wraps around his body protectively. His purple converse are bouncing along with his leg. His face feels dry from crying so much and if he sees his parents steal a glance at him one more time, he’ll freak out.

The nurse that checks them in his friendly enough and asks Peter a bunch of health questions. They don’t take blood, and he’s glad. They would be pretty surprised at the spider DNA that they found. She asks him if he’d taken anything in the past twenty-four hours and he tells her no reluctantly. He’d kill for a Xanax or at least a Percocet. His mind is filled with worry. His phone is somewhere that even Friday won’t tell him and all he wishes is that he had it at that moment. He digs his nails into his hands and creates crescent moons. He’s more worried than he’d ever been.

When he’s called back by that same nurse, he thinks he might pass out. His parents had discussed an outpatient treatment facility so he wouldn’t be at risk of the hospital finding out about the spider bite and he’s glad.

The doctor introduces herself as Dr. Sandra Hill and shakes everyone’s hand. Her hands are clammy. Peter sinks into the maroon chair with a sigh. He feels like bricks are being laid on his chest and there’s nothing he can do to get from under them. And now his leg is bouncing again.

“Peter, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?” The doctor has already gotten out her notepad and began scribbling the date. Peter looks at his parents only to find sad smiles. He absolutely loathes himself right now.

“I’m sixteen and I like computers.” He finds it pathetic that he can only think of one thing that’s interesting about himself. And it’s not even that interesting. Who even is he without those pills? He’s a bore. His friends probably wouldn’t even hang around him if he didn’t do drugs with him. They should really find a new friend-

“-eter? Peter? I asked you what school you went to.” She looked at him with an encouraging smile. He wanted to cry. Everyone was encouraging him when he didn’t even want to be there himself.

“Midtown.”

“Great. Now, onto the hard part. When did you start using?” He was shocked for a second. She asked him a couple of questions about himself and then just jumped right into it. As much as he didn’t want to talk about it at all, he knew that he wanted to get it over with.

“Around November.” His parents shifted uncomfortably at the mention of it. How were they ever supposed to get through this?

***

Two hours and a million questions later, Peter was registered for the outpatient rehabilitation. He didn’t even want to do that, but he was glad to that instead of being hospitalized. The drive home was silent. His father gripping the steering wheel while his mom tried to mask her tears as allergies. This is when the scratching began. It started out small. The boy just trying to make sure that this was real and that he wasn’t in some nightmare. He didn’t even know that he was doing it really. The sad thoughts would come about how disappointed his aunt would be with him and he was scratching deeper all of a sudden. He didn’t even know it was happening.

The sun set on New York as the family made it into their home. Friday welcomed them sweetly and Peter made a beeline for his room. He could feel the tears coming on and he didn’t want his parents to see them. He didn’t want them to witness him being weak _again_. He hated himself so much. He felt worthless. This didn’t feel like real life. It felt like the walls were closing in and there was nothing he could do to stop them. No matter how many times he tried to scream or come up for air, he would always be that stupid boy from Queens. Still making the same dumb fucking mistakes that he told himself he wouldn’t make anymore. Still disappointing everyone in his inner circle. Still making his parents fix everything that he did. Still fucking everything up.

The thoughts didn’t stop coming fast and harsh and neither did his tears. He sobbed into a pillow and wrapped his arms around his torso, pulling his knees up in the process. He knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness. He didn’t deserve all of the things that his parents were providing for him.

“Peter, it appears that you’re having a panic attack. Alerting boss.” He started to protests. They would have that look on their face again. _Pity._ He couldn’t bear to see it. Fuck, he couldn’t even have a panic attack correctly.

“Hey, Pete what’s going on?” Tony asked. Peter wanted to laugh because everything was wrong.

“I-I’m sorry, okay? I ruined everything. I’m fucking ruing everything for you. I’m making mom sad. I ruined the trust that we established and I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I can’t think straight because it hurts to think. If I think, then it all leads back to the fact that I’m disappointing you guys.” The sobs racked his body and he could barely get a word out. Tony wrapped him in a hug and stroked his hair, trying to ground the boy. He knew he would be sad, but he didn’t think that Peter would think that he was disappointing them. He never wanted his son to feel that way.

Tony shushed the small ‘sorry’s’ that left the boy's lips as he drifted off to sleep. Tony knew that he needed sleep the most, recalling the insomnia that he’d witnessed himself. He continued to tell him that he loved him. Tony was grateful for the fact that it was Friday and that he didn’t have to attend the day program until Monday.

There was a big misunderstanding that needed to be addressed in the morning.


	10. rampage

When Peter woke up the next day, he was alone. He brushed his hands on the soft cotton, trying to soak up the last of his sleeping state. He wished he could feel that way forever. He stretched and listened to the way his bones cracked. He could smell food in the next room over and even with his metabolism, he wasn’t hungry. Yet, he didn’t want to be rude to his parents. Especially when they were putting up with so much shit from him. The guilt washed over him like a flood and for a second he was afraid to step outside. Afraid to see their sad, pitying faces. Then he remembered his breakdown the night before. His father had seen him crumble, had seen him lose control of something he was working to keep under wraps. He hoped that he didn’t view him as weak, that would crush him.

He stepped into the hallway and walked briskly toward the kitchen. God, he was scared. His mom was still wearing her pajamas, her blonde hair pulled into a messy bun. She was wearing the glasses that she only wore around the house when she worked and those stupid bunny slippers that Peter had bought her for mother’s day. He forgot he even got them for her.

His dad was standing by the stovetop wearing a sweatshirt and pajama pants. They looked perfectly happily like this. Lounging and enjoying each other’s company. Peter felt like a stain that was messing up their perfection. A sore thumb sticking out for everyone to see. And no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking this way, even when he knew that he shouldn’t. He cleared his throat before going to sit at the opposite side of the island that Pepper was at. She smiled at him, but the smile was different. Watery and sad. Just like Peter.

“Hey, champ! How’d you sleep?” Tony said cheerily. Peter gave him a confused look before responding.

“Just fine. What’s the occasion for the big breakfast?”

“Nothing really. Hungry?”

“Yeah,” Peter was lying again and he knew it, but he knew it was for the better. He’d rather lie to make them happy than tell the truth and get those same sad, pitying looks-

“Pancakes?”

Peter nods before staring back at his hands again. He feels so uncomfortable and he can’t explain why. Like an itch he can’t scratch except he’s the itch. He sighs shakily because this is too perfect. They’re smiling so sweetly at him expecting him to break at any moment so they can fix him. They want to be his glue when he should be able to mend himself. He shouldn’t need drugs to fix his own stupid problems but he does. He can’t do anything right.

“Hello? Earth to Peter.” Pepper smiles as she snaps him out of his thoughts. “Are you alright, bud?”

“Yeah, I’m great. I’ll be right back.” He bolts to the bathroom before anyone can stop him, feeling the enormous weight of trying to hold in his panic finally seep out. The only problem is that he can’t breathe. It starts off slow. He feels like he has to take deeper breaths just to get any oxygen in his lungs. But before he can stop it, the thoughts are back and he’s panicking. Not just at the fact that he made a complete fool of himself yesterday in front of his father, but at the fact that he’s embarrassing them. This isn’t what they signed up for when they took him. He’s a _burden._ All he does is cause fucking trouble for everyone that he’s around. May would be so disappointed in him.

The thought comes at him like cold water and when did he end up in the fetal position? Why is so hard to breathe and why can’t he get up? Is this how he’s going to go out? Curled up pathetically? What if no one helps him? _Help! Oh, God-_

“Peter?” the frantic knocking of his father brings him back from his spiraling thoughts. “Peter, bud? Open the door!” Dammit, they think he’s overdosing. He can hear his dad using Friday to override the lock and is thankful for the A.I.

His parents rush to him and wrap him in a hug. Tony makes Peter mimic his breathing, exhaling and inhaling dramatically in order for the boy to follow along. And once he’s calmed down, the silent tears start coming. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. He’s mortified. Completely embarrassed. Because he let it happen again.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But-.”

“Peter, you’ve got it all wrong. Nothing that you ever do is going to drive us away. Not your tears, not your panic attacks. None of it. We’re here for the long haul, we’re your parents. You can’t keep putting yourself down over nothing.”

He feels a smile tugging at his lips, a feeling that he hasn’t felt in forever. It quickly dissipates when he remembers that they have to say that. As his guardians, they have to be nice to him and reassure him. But if they were telling the truth, they would tell him how disappointed that they were with him. Disappointment is a weight that he’s carried all his life. Branded in different ways. Losing something that Ben gave him, getting a bad grade when he knew that he could have done better, Tony’s face when he found out that he was using. All these things had accumulated to show what a fucking disappointment that he was. He shudders when he thinks about it.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours, Pete?” Pepper asks. She rubs his back as he stares straight ahead.

_A fucking disappointment._

“Nothing really. J-just thinking about everything, but I’ll be okay. I promise. Thanks for helping me.” He stands quickly, almost making himself dizzy. He knows what he wants. He knows what he _needs._ He’s honestly surprised that he’d been able to keep up this charade of being able to function without them.

_A fucking disappointment._

“Are you going to your room?” Tony asks. He’s on his feet now too. Peter nods and starts for it. He knows that he’s drawing attention to himself and making his parents suspicious but he can’t bring himself to care. He hates himself so much that it hurts. A deep feeling in his chest that nothing will ever get better. A realization that no one and nothing will ever be able to fill the void that’s in his life. No matter what, he’s gonna need those pills. They’re the only thing that brings him joy. The only things that make him feel like he’s normal. Not like a… a… what’s the phrase that’s been bouncing around in his head? Oh yeah.

_A fucking disappointment._

***

About an hour or so later, Peter’s able to disable the code that makes Friday a tattletale. Does he feel like shit for jumping through so many hoops just for temporary relief? Yes. But is he gonna stop and ask his parents for help? Fuck no.

A quick look through his backpack reveals that he had some Xanax left over from the last weeks of school. When the exams were causing him so much stress that he couldn’t sleep a wink. He holds the four pills in his hands and takes a moment to stare at them. They feel different now, heavier. Maybe it’s because he knows he’s not just hurting himself, but his parents or maybe it’s because he knows his temporary sobriety streak will be ruined. But in the end, he doesn’t really care. With a quick swig of water, the pills are in his system faster than he can say “shit, you’re really fucking up your life”.

It takes a few minutes, but before he knows it, he’s lying on his bed in a dazed state. The world moves slower, like it slowed down enough for him to relish in it. A dark thought passes through his mind: how much would it take for those pills to kill him? He knows that he’d have to take a lot and in order for him to even get them, he’d have to go back to M.J.’s cousin. He really has no issue with going back, but how would he make it there? It would be a nice way to go out. Sprawled on his bed, the world slowly slipping away-

A knock on his door interrupts his wandering thoughts and for a second he’s scared, but it’s a short-lived feeling.

“Peter? Pepper went out to work on some SI stuff. I was wondering if you wanted to come down to the lab,” Peter doesn’t respond, his brain moving slowly. “Pete?” He doesn’t ask again, just barges in, which slightly annoys Peter.

“Damn, dad, chill out.”

“Chill out? What the fuck? Are you on something again?” His tone is a mix of hurt and anger.

“You ask _sooo_ many questions.”

“Fuck, Peter. What did you take? Friday what did he take?”

“Xanax, boss.”

Tony feels like he stuck in a time loop. “And you just neglected to tell me this?”

“Peter disabled my Safe and Sound Protocol.”

Tony glances at the boy who is slightly smirking. Does he think this is funny somehow? How can he laugh when Tony is so pained to see him this way? “Pete, buddy, sit up.” Peter sits up before looking at his dad. “You weren’t honest with me. You said that you gave me the entirety of the drugs that you had. Why would you lie about something like this?”

Peter laughs before looking at him. “Why would I fucking tell you about the drugs that I was saving in my secret stash? You don’t have to sit here and pretend to care about me. I know that you’re fucking disappointed in me. You all are. So stop fucking lying.” He has no idea where the anger comes from but he’s too out of it to stop the anger that’s bubbling up in him. “If you cared about me, you’d let me keep doing what I was doing. Can’t you see that it makes me fucking happy?”

“Happy? Peter, you’re practically yelling at me right now. What about that screams happiness to you?”

“Because it’s the most normal that I’ve ever felt! I feel like an actual teenager!”

“You wanna rebel and stay out late? Fine. That’s what I’ll accept as you acting like a normal teenager. But, having a _drug addiction_ doesn’t count. That’s not normal, Pete.”

“You fucking hypocrite! You did everything that I’m doing now!” He’s yelling now, voice cracking as he does it.

“And I’m trying to save you from what I did! I’m not proud of it.”

“You don’t have to fucking save me, _Tony._ I don’t need any of your help.” He hadn’t called him Tony in almost two years. They’d had the conversation about how Peter felt more comfortable calling him dad after everything he’d done for him. It felt like he was being slapped.

“I get it, Peter. You’re hurting. This is coming from May and Ben’s death-.”

“Don’t you _dare_ say their fucking names. You have no idea what-.” He cuts himself off when he feels the tears rising to the surface. He knew that Tony was right. Knows that he was taking his pain out on his body, but he couldn’t find it in himself to admit that he was hurting, so he resorted to yelling.

“Fuck you!”

“If yelling and cussing are going to get you closer to recovery, then so be it.”

“Fuck you! I hate you! You’re ruining my life! You don’t care about me, no one cares about me! I fucking hate you! I am so tired of having to pretend that I am okay for the sake of not hurting you guys. I am fucking sick of it! I am fucking sick of being on this earth when all my family is gone! I am a fucking disappointment and I hate myself every day.” The words seep out before he can stop them. He feels the crushing weight of the truth and he feels as if he could pass out.

He meets Tony’s eyes before slowly walking towards him. After all of the yelling and anger has left him, he’s hollow. Nothing to fill that void but sadness. He wraps his arms around his father and he cries.

Cries because he knows he’s sick.

Cries because he knows that he’s hurt Tony.

Cries because he’s never felt this lost before.

Cries because he feels _exhausted._

“I need help, dad. I’m tired of feeling like this.” The words are hard to say around his sobs but he somehow manages to get them out.

“I know, bud. That’s why you’re getting it on Monday. Everything’s gonna be okay, bambino. We’re going to fix everything.” He runs his hand through Peter’s hair soothingly, watching as the boy relaxes and falls asleep in his arms. It’s the second time in a row that it’d happen, but Tony’d do it forever if it brought his baby peace. 


	11. felt like summer to my december

Sunday passes in a blur. Peter feels so sad that he doesn’t want to get up. If melting into his bed was an option, he would have taken that route by now. By six p.m. he’s only gotten up to pee and even then, he had to psyche himself up to get out of bed. _Is this what depression feels like,_ he thinks bitterly to himself. He almost laughs.

“Pete?” His dad is knocking at his door again like he won’t just come in anyway. Peter allows him to keep knocking, not having the energy to answer him. “Hey, bud, I’m coming in, hope you’re decent.” He tries to joke but Peter can hear the fucking pity in his voice. He pulls the comforter tighter to his curled body, hoping that his dad will mistake it as him moving in his sleep. He doesn’t. “I thought that you might want to come out and eat at the table. You haven’t had anything today.” He’s so nice to him, he doesn’t deserve it.

“I’m not feeling all that hungry right now, dad, sorry.” His voice sounds pathetic and sad, a hushed whisper showing off how blue he’s feeling.

“I know you’re not hungry right now, but you should try to eat. Your metabolism needs it.” This is the point where Peter should be standing and thanking his father for his compassion, but he can’t even face him. He’s so mortified and humiliated. No matter how many times his parents tell him that he doesn’t have to be embarrassed about having panic attacks, he doesn’t believe them. Sure they’ve seen him get upset over movies and school, but never have they seen him this low. When’s the last time that he actually felt happy? Actually felt like going out with his parents to a nice dinner without the crushing weight of his anxiety holding him back from doing it? When’s the last time that he’s felt content without drugs coursing through his body? When’s the last time that he was honest about how much worse this situation actually is? He wants to say sorry again.

“Okay.” He gives in. He sees a smile flash on his father’s face and he sighs. He follows behind his dad as they make their way to the kitchen in silence. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor in front of him, counting the tiles as they come and go.

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Grilled cheese?” The words flow out of his mouth before he can stop them. Ben used to make them when he was sick. He takes a shaky breath when he thinks about it. He just misses him so much.

“You got it.” As Tony prepares the food in the skillet, Peter sits on the island, swinging his feet back and forth. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“Nothing, really. Thank you for everything, dad.” The confession stops Tony in his tracks and he looks back at Peter.

“You never have to thank me, Pete. I want to help you.” Peter smiles at him and it feels weird. He hasn’t smiled and felt happy in forever. Well, scratch the happiness part.

***

 _Stranger Things_ plays on the television even though both had already seen it before. It’s closer to eight and Pepper should be getting home soon. The air is comfortable and quiet. Peter doesn’t feel so uncomfortable anymore, in fact, he’s almost fallen asleep. His dad strokes his hair as he watches Peter out of the corner of his eye. He lies on his dads’ legs and watches the television with a mere amount of interest.

“Have you ever been to the ice rink in Central Park?” Peter knows he’s just talking to talk, but he doesn’t care. The memory is sweet in his mind, and he doesn’t feel like sharing it alone.

“Um, maybe? I usually don’t skate.” At that Peter laughs and Tony feels his heart tug for a second. He hasn’t heard him laugh in forever. He clears his throat before retorting. “Hey!”

“I’m sorry, I’m just imagining you trying to skate. You’d fall on your ass super quick probably.” Tony playfully hits his arm as they settle into silence for a while. “Ben and May used to take me skating in the winter. Said it was the best time to skate anyway because why would you skate in the summer?” he thinks of the memory of May laughing as she said it. “I’m still good at skating, you know. And sometimes I dream about it. Gliding across the ice, flying full speed. Sometimes May and Ben are there, and sometimes it’s just me. When I take the pills, I feel like that. Like I’m just going so fast, I’m so happy. But then I’m crashing and I don’t know what to do.” Tony has started rubbing his back as he speaks, not wanting to interrupt him. “I didn’t want to disappoint anybody; I didn’t even think I’d get that deep in. I just wanted to feel happy even if it was chemical.”

Tony sits him up and makes eye contact. “Pete, you don’t understand how brave you are. It takes a lot of guts to tell someone that you’re hurting. Even if you didn’t want to tell me in the first place. And yesterday you admitted how you were actually feeling instead of bullshitting me. I’m so proud of you.” He hugs him closer and blinks away any tears that he has.

“I don’t feel that strong. If I’m being honest, I’m ashamed that I let you see me like that again.”

“Ashamed? Pete, listen to yourself. I could never be embarrassed by you no matter what you do. Even if you decided to go to Georgia Tech instead of MIT, I’ll still love you.” They both laugh at that.

The elevator dings as Pepper steps outside but they’re too preoccupied with guffawing to hear her. She takes off her shoes and undoes the professional bun that her hair was in before flopping into the chair adjacent to the couch. She looks absolutely exhausted but she still smiles. “Why are we talking about colleges so early?”

“Dad’s gonna disown me if I go to any college except MIT.” They all laugh at that. It feels amazing. Just to laugh and feel free. To smile and tell the truth of how he’s actually feeling. And his shift in emotion comes only from saying how he was actually feeling. Tomorrow was going to be just fine.

***

Despite his positive mantra to himself the previous night, he feels like shit the next day. Not physically, but he’s a nervous wreck. He could really use a-

_No._

He wasn’t going to run to drugs every time that something got hectic in his life. He took a deep breath before retreating to the kitchen. He’s surprised to see Colonel Rhodes sitting at his kitchen island, sipping coffee with his family. Natasha is there too but she’s not drinking anything. Instead, she’s reading the newspaper until she senses that Peter is in the room. Had his parents told them about rehab?

“Peter! Morning, sweetheart. You’ve met Natasha before, but not Rhodey. He and Tony went to college together.” Pepper smiles as she ushers Peter closer to the table. He’s not quite sure why they came today, but he’s not about to ask and make things awkward.

“Hello, Mr. Rhodes Colonel sir, it’s nice to meet you.”

Rhodey smiles before responding. “Nice to meet you too, Peter. I’ve heard a lot about you. Just call me Rhodey by the way.”

Tony smiles as he goes to return his coffee to the sink. “We’re about to head out in a second, Pete. Wouldn’t want you to be late for your robotics camp.” Peter goes to correct his dad but then realizes that he’s giving him and out. He’s never been more grateful before, and he nods quickly.

“We’ll be back for you two after we drop this hooligan off.” She grabs her purse and wraps her arm around Peter as she guides him to the elevator. Once the doors have closed, Peter sighs. “Thank you so much. I don’t know if I’d be able to see them if they knew.”

“Of course, bud.”

“Wait, why are they here anyway?”

“That, we can’t tell you.” Peter’s confused for a moment before realizing that his 16th birthday is coming up in two weeks. He smiles to himself when he thinks of it. Never would he have thought that he’d be without May or Ben on his 16th birthday, but he’s glad that he’s got Pepper and Tony with him.

***

Instead of waiting in the same cold white waiting room, Peter sits in a different waiting room. The walls are lined with artwork from previous patients. All saying encouraging and positive things. And as corny as they are, he tries to force his mind to believe some of them. He has to believe that everything is going to get better if it ever is.

“Peter? We’re ready for you back here.” He nods to himself first and then to the nice doctor. He looks over to his parents and feels like he might start crying. He’s never been so nervous before. Not even at the decathlon practices that he goes to.

“Everything’s going to be fine, sweetie. We’ll be right here when you get out, okay?” Peter nods again at Pepper before hugging both of them. He goes quickly to the doctor, not wanting to keep her waiting any longer. She leads him to a room that could almost be mistaken for a conference room. Everyone in the room looks like they could be his age. A girl with red hair and a couple of piercings stares at her scuffed combat boots, while a kid in a light blue polo and jeans, taps his hands on his lap. Almost every stereotype of a person you could imagine was here. People of all shapes and sizes, all hit rock bottom.

“Group, please say hello to Peter. He’ll be joining us for the next sessions.” Everyone’s eyes go directly to him and he wishes that a hole would open up and swallow him.

“Hi.” He says after the group has said hello to him. He takes a seat between the mean-looking girl and the polo wearing dude and instantly lets his head fall to the floor.

“Today, we’ll be discussing gratitude and what it means to us. Everyone will be sharing something or someone that they’re grateful for, understand?” Everyone nods simultaneously. “Let’s start with Winter.”

Winter is a girl with glasses and an afro. She wears geometric earrings and a shirt that says something about fighting the power. Peter is drawn to her instantly. She sits up and her Doc Martens swing back and forth. “I’m grateful for the news. Lets us know what’s going on in the world and how we can change it. I’m grateful for my mom too, she’s amazing.” She looks up and catches Peter staring and smiles at him. His heart skips a beat.

“Thank you, Winter. Let’s move on to you, Jacob.” While Jacob drones on about his collection of classic novels, Winter continues to stare at Peter with a slight smirk playing at her lips. Peter smiles back and he feels like he’s cartwheeling.

After Jacob is another girl who talks about her dogs and another kid who talks about sleep. Two more kids go before the girl next to Peter has her turn.

“Would you like to share this time, Bobbie?” She looks at the doctor with such disdain that her face contorts. She obviously doesn’t share a lot. She returns her gaze back to the floor and Peter takes that's his cue to go.

“I’m grateful for my parents and for my house. Also my friends and my school.” He’d memorized the rule book at four in the morning, too nervous to sleep. He knew that he couldn’t talk about drugs while in group therapy, it might upset those around him. But he _was_ grateful for those damn drugs.

After the polo guy (whose name is actually Tyler) had talked about sports or something (Peter couldn’t remember because he was so focused on Winter) the group was escorted to another a room. It was ten-thirty but it felt so much later than that. Especially since Peter had hardly gotten a wink of sleep last night.

“Your name’s Peter, right?” He’s startled when he hears her voice but he straightness up.

“Yeah, and you’re Winter.” _God, you sound like such an idiot. Of course, she knows her own name!_

She laughs before continuing. “So what’s your poison?”

“My poison?”

“Yeah. What do you _do_?”

“Oh. Xanax, Percocet, weed. You?”

“Mostly party drugs. My mom freaked out when I came home stoned at three in the morning and immediately took me here. Wouldn’t look good for a politician’s daughter to be hooked on molly and ecstasy… What do your parents do?”

“My dad’s Tony Stark and my mom’s Pepper Potts.” Might as well get it out of the way, right?

“You’re lying!” She’s laughing now, but when she sees how serious Peter is, she stills. “You’re telling the fucking truth. Wow.”

He nods. “Is everyone here rich?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Tyler’s parents own half of the stores in downtown Manhattan, Bobbie’s dad is a journalist.”

“How do you know all of that?”

She narrows her eyes playfully. “I have my ways.” They both burst out laughing.

***

After art therapy, individual therapy, lunch, and one more round of group therapy, Winter and Peter are joking about nothing each time. Peter hasn’t felt this way about a girl since M.J., but that was quickly extinguished when he found out that she liked girls. Winter is sweet to Peter and doesn’t bring up his parents again. He’s _grateful_ for that.

Once they’ve all said goodbye to each other, they’re with their parents again. Peter smiles as he walks over to his parents. They give him perplexed looks before guiding him to the car.

“Why are you smiling so much?” Tony asks.

“How do you know if you’re in love?”


	12. sycamore girl

_“How do you know if you’re in love?”_

Pepper and Tony both glance at each other before laughing. “Meet someone today?” Pepper drums her fingers on the steering wheel before smiling.

“Yeah, her name is Winter.” Her name sends a tingle down his spine. He can’t wait to go back tomorrow.

“I’m guessing you have a crush on her now?” Tony asks even though he already knows the answer. Peter looks out the window as he nods. He’s never felt this way about someone before and he hopes that he feels this way forever. She liked him too, right? Peter hopes that she wasn’t bullshitting him or just being nice. He doesn’t know if he can handle it.

“Well, that’s amazing, honey,” Pepper glances at him in the rearview mirror before continuing. “We just want you to make sure that you’re focusing on why you’re there, though. Make sure that you take care of yourself now so one day, you’ll be ready to take care of someone else.” Peter nods at that. He also knows from reading that damn rulebook that he’s not supposed to get too involved with his fellow patients. And even with this knowledge in mind, he still finds himself wanting to know everything about her.

∞∞∞∞

The darkness of the night has settled over the home. Peter’s not sleeping and neither are his parents. Pepper sits with another book, that she somehow manages to read in between running a company, in her lap. Tony is thinking through ideas for a new suit and writing them down on his phone. It’s quiet and nothing interrupts the comfortable silence. Well, except for Peter. He comes barging in their room around eight at night and the two startle before looking up at him. He doesn’t look upset or _too_ happy. He just looks energetic.

“I can’t sleep. I’m too excited for tomorrow,” Pepper puts her book down as Tony sets his phone aside. They devote their full attention to him. “I can’t wait to see her. And I know that I’m kinda jumping into this headfirst and I know that I’ve only known her for a day, but I don’t care. I haven’t felt that way in forever. What do you think she’ll wear tomorrow? Should I wear something else? Do you think she’ll care what I wear? Help me!”

His manic tone leaves his parents shocked for a second before Tony speaks. “Friday, is he on something?”

“Peter is not currently on anything. But his heart rate has increased.”

Peter’s not angry at them for asking because he’s too caught up in his emotions. He flops on the foot of their bed before muffling dreamily into the duvet, “You could have just asked me. She’s the only drug I’ll ever need.” Tony winces at the mention of drugs but chuckles at how young Peter sounds.

“In regards to your last question, where whatever you want. Better to be upfront about the science pun-loving nerd you are than to hide it. But bud, have you considered for a second, that you just met this girl? You don’t know a lot about her. I get that it’s a rush to have a crush on someone new, but I really think that you should slow down, try to get some sleep, and get ready for the _therapy_ that you have to do tomorrow. I really want you to get better and I don’t want a distraction to get in the way-”

Pepper nudges Tony as she continues reading her book. That little ball of energy has already fallen asleep.

“Jeez, am I that boring?”

“Yes.”

☾☾☾

Peter wakes up in his own bed and feels like he feels when he was little when you never knew how you ended up back in your bed the next morning. He stretches, remembers his rant, and sighs. He didn’t mean to act like that last night, but it was like a spell had taken over him. Like he was too happy and he couldn’t control himself. Like when he was soaring through the air, dressed in his Spiderman suit. He would love to be out there now.

It takes him longer to get dressed this morning. Usually, he’d just throw on whatever he wanted and keep it moving, but today, he’s looking to impress Winter, even with his dads’ lingering advice. He doesn’t even know why. He takes a moment to pull out two of his science pun shirts and compares them both. Hmm. “Friday, which one of these shirts screams ‘I am an interesting individual and you should be interested in me?’”

“I would suggest the ‘I Make Science Puns Periodically’ shirt. Boss is requesting that you hurry up though.” He nods to himself before grabbing some shorts to match the shirt and walking to the kitchen.

“He finally graces us with his presence.” Tony teases. Peter rolls his eyes as they make their way to the elevator and head downstairs.

In the car, Peter braces himself for another long talk about where he should be focusing his attention today, but he doesn’t receive one. He’s very grateful. The passing city is already bustling with people, but when is it not? The sun shines today and Peter truly feels that today will be a good day for him. He wishes that he had his phone so he could get her number. There are five minutes left in the drive. He should really ask his parents now. They can’t just brush him off, right?

“Mom? Dad? I’ve been thinking. Do you think that I could possibly get my phone back soon? I know that I haven’t earned your full trust back, but I’m willing to work even harder for it this time. You could monitor it every day if you wanted,” He grimaces before saying the next part. “I could even delete Ned and M.J.’s phone numbers. They probably wouldn’t care, I kinda just stopped talking to them before you guys even found out again. Please?” He holds his breath for a long while. They wait a second before Pepper speaks.

“Peter, we know that you’re a smart kid, and we know that you made a mistake. We don’t fully trust you yet, that’s true. But, we’d be willing to negotiate,” Pepper looks back at him in the rearview mirror and then to Tony who nods. “But, Peter, if you so much as step out of line once, you won’t have that phone back until you graduate college, understand?” She’s exaggerating but Peter still doesn’t want to fuck it up.

He nods before thanking them profusely. He actually feels like an even bigger jerk for having them in his life. They still gave him another chance even though he knows that he doesn’t deserve it. Knows that he’s screwed them over so much at this point that it makes him cringe at himself. He has to work harder because this isn’t cutting it. Half-assing being a good son isn’t going to work anymore.

They do end up telling him to focus on what he’s here for after all before he gets out of the car. He walks into the facility and signs himself in, smiling at the nice receptionist. She tells them that they’ll be in the same place as they were yesterday and he nods, walking briskly there. And when he sees that curly afro sitting in a chair, writing in a journal, he almost hurls. She looks beautiful. He takes a few more steps before deciding to sit next to her. She looks up at him, surprised to see him sitting there before regaining her composure.

“And how was your night, Peter?” She’s still writing in her journal, Peter glances at it quickly, seeing what she’s doing. She has a small sketch of a girl flying with birds and a poem adjacent to it. Her handwriting is loopy, almost cursive like. Peter decides right then and there that it’s the prettiest handwriting that he’d ever seen.

“Fine, fine. How was yours, Winter?” She stops writing for a moment and looks at him in the eyes. Her glasses are different today. A dark blue shade with dancing elephants on the side. She still looks stunning in them.

“It was alright,” She’s clearly lying but breezes right through as if she’d told the truth. “What do you do in your free time?” The question comes out of nowhere and Peter’s eyebrow quirks in confusion, but only for a split second.

“Think of every nerdy thing and times it by two.” They make brief eye contact before laughing harder than either of them should. He can’t help himself, “Can I get your number?” His eyes widen in shock at his confidence. He usually waited for the girl to make the first move, but with her it was different. He felt like he should be seizing the day. Like if he let her go this time, he’d never get her back again. He, of course, knew that this was irrational and premature considering that he’d only just met her, but he couldn’t help the way he felt. What could he say? Young love clouded the mind.

Her laughing tapered off just a bit before she spoke again. “Why?”

“W-why? Well, um, because I think that we’re getting along really well and I want to be your, um, friend. We could be a good, like, support system for each other.” _You sound like an idiot! Abort! Abort!_

She pauses for a second before ripping out the next sheet of paper in her notebook. “Guard this with your life, Peter. I don’t give my number out to just anyone.” She smiles when she says it. They’d been so wrapped up in their conversation that they hadn’t noticed that the rest of the kids had made their way to the table. ~~Polo guy~~ Tyler gives him a thumbs up in manly approval? Macho encouragement? He smiles and nods before focusing his attention back on Winter. He takes the paper out of her hand and notices the black and silver nail polish. Everyone looked the same. The same forlorn faces. The same ‘I don’t want to be here right now’ stares worn by everyone. Except for Winter and Peter. And maybe even Tyler who was invested just a bit too much in their business. They continue to glance at each other and snicker. He knows he could get in trouble for fraternizing with her but he doesn’t care.

At some point in everyone’s life, isn’t there someone who you’d risk getting in trouble with?

☆☆☆

When Peter gets home, he’s on cloud nine. His parents give him his phone with the same warning that he had received earlier. He thanks them again before bolting to his room to see what he’s missed out on. And even though he wants to text his friends and tell them about Winter, he doesn’t. He made a promise. Even if that promise means not talking to his friends for the whole summer, he’s fine with it. He’ll be able to tell them about her in three months. At least by then they would’ve had time to defuse and not be so angry at him… Okay, he lied. Not talking to them fucks with him so much, but he doesn’t know how to tell his parents that without them taking away his phone again. He truly has a dilemma. But in true Parker fashion, he decides to ignore his problem.

He falls on his bed with a sigh before making Winter’s contact. He automatically opens his messages and starts to type out greetings. _Hi, heyyy, heyo,_ and _‘sup_ make him cringe so hard that he groans in frustration. When did talking to girls become this hard? He reminds himself that he hasn’t really talked to a girl since M.J. and to cut himself some slack. Before he can talk himself out of it completely, or say something idiotic he types out a quick message and sends it.

_peter: hey, winter it’s peter_

_winter: i was wondering when you’d text me. thought u’d lost my number or sum_

_peter: ofc not. i promised to guard it with my life._

_winter: that you did, peter. how’s life?_

_peter: nothing catastrophic has happened in the two hours since i’ve seen u, so… pretty well_

_winter: bold of u to assume that i’m not the glue that holds this universe together_

_peter: bold of you to assume that i’d ever doubt that for a second_

♥♥♥


	13. bad days and sundaes

When Peter woke up, he could tell that it was going to be a shitty day. It was as if a grey cloud had settled over his body and mind. For a minute, he just laid in his bed, wondering why he had already declared it a bad day when it hadn’t even begun. But then it settled over him why he felt like this: it was May’s death anniversary. He sighed before turning back to try and sleep again. He didn’t want to deal with all the shit that came along with this fucking day. Last year, he had spent the day on a mix of oxy and Xanax, but this year it wasn’t an option. To make matters worse, it was a rainy day in New York, a cherry on top of Peter's bad mood. He shut his eyes and tried not to let the horrible images of the crash show up in his mind, but they were still there. The blood, the tears, her lifeless body. He shuddered at the thought.

It had been about 15 minutes of lying still with his eyes closed when his father opened the door. Friday had told him that the boy was still sleeping and he came to investigate. “Pete?” he asked while shaking the boy’s body gently. He thought about faking like he was sick, but thought against it, seeing as Friday would just rat on him. “You alright, bud? You’ve got about ten minutes to get ready before we have to leave.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just slept a little long. I’ll be out in a little.” He made an attempt at a small smile despite his mood, but it may have just looked like a grimace instead. Tony patted him on the shoulder before standing and exiting the room, leaving Peter to wallow just a little longer before he finally got up. He chose a sweatshirt and matching sweatpants despite the 70-degree weather and made his way to the kitchen. He was sure that he wasn’t hiding his melancholy feelings very well, but he really didn’t care. Maybe they would just pass it off as normal teenage angst. He sure hoped so. He didn’t want to talk about his feelings or the crushing weight that he was feeling on his chest. He just wanted to get through the day so he could come back and sleep. That was his only goal.

“Hey, Pete. Want anything to eat?” Pepper asked as she finished packing her briefcase full of important documents. Peter shook his head and pulled out his headphones as a gesture to show that he didn’t want to talk anymore. As he pressed play on a classic jazz playlist he’d made and pulled his hood up around his ears, he felt like if he could maybe just shut out the world for the day, he could get through everything.

The elevator ride down was quiet and as he’d hoped, Tony and Pepper amounted his behavior to typical teenage moodiness. Once in the car, he sat in the backseat and stared at his hands. For a while, he hadn’t been able to stop staring at the blood that was on his hands when he pulled May’s body from the car. His own head had been pounding and he had broken his wrist, but he couldn’t focus on that at the moment. She was covered in the same cuts and bruises that Peter had, but the drunk driver had hit May’s side. The cuts on Peter’s skin would heal, May’s skin would never get the chance. He remembers screaming her name and holding her body as the paramedics showed up. They had to coax and physically pull him off her. He remembers all the blood on his hands. He’d never seen so much blood in all of his Spider-manning and he hoped that he never would have to. At the time, he couldn’t stop thinking about how that was his second family member’s blood to over cover his hands. It haunted him. He should have been able to save both of them. Uncle’s Ben’s birthday was close also but he didn’t want to think about that either. If he did, he’d be confronted with all the family members that he’d lost. The ones that he’d never be able to talk to again or celebrate with-

“Pete, bud? We’re here. Are you sure you’re okay?” Tony had concern written all over his face. Huh. He hadn’t even noticed that they’d gotten in the car or even made it to the facility. It was almost as if his whole body was moving on autopilot.

“I’m fine, really.” He opened the door and told them that he loved them before shutting it. He walked to the front of the rehab center, greeted the secretary, before making his way back to the almost empty therapy room. The only people there were Winter and Jacob. He made his way over to Winter and took a seat before letting out an exhale. It was still fairly early and he had some time before group would start. He _really_ didn’t want to be here right now.

“Hey, Peter. Are you okay? You seem a little down.” Winter turned to face him and he took in her look for the day. She wore neon blue glasses and _Powerpuff Girls_ earrings. She looked stunning.

“Just a rough day for me.”

“Damn, I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not smiling.”

“Yeah. I don’t really wanna be here right now.”

“What? You don’t want to be with your fellow addicts talking about your feelings?” That made Peter laugh a little and Winter counted it as a small victory. “You really wanna leave?”

“Yes.”

“Then come on.” She stood up and grabbed her pastel backpack before smiling down at him.

“What do you mean come on?” He looked over at Jacob to see if he was listening and saw him snoring on the table. “We can’t just leave.”

“Why not? It’s summer, we should have some fun. And besides, you look like you could use some cheering up.”

“What are we gonna do? Walk right out the front door?”

“No, we’re gonna take the kitchen exit,” she held out her hand and smiled down at him. “What do you say, Peter. Ready for an adventure?” He stared at her hand a little longer before taking it. She laughed as she pulled him out of the therapy room and into a nice looking kitchen area. They ran past the morning staff and out of the door before they could question what the fuck they were doing. They got halfway around the block before stopping to catch their breaths. It was pretty hard though because they were laughing their asses off. Peter leaned his back against a brick wall and sighed.

“We should turn our phones off completely. Our parents could track us.”

“Smart thinking, Peter,” as she switched her phone off she began to look around the crowded yet beautiful city. She spotted an ice cream shop and gasped before turning to him. “We should totally get sundaes and eat them on the roof!” Peter glanced over at the ice cream shop before smiling and grabbing Winter's hand. They walked across the street and into the old-timey ice cream parlor. As she ordered, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She was caring yet random. She wore a smile, but Peter could see through it. It’s the same thing that he did on his worst days. Once he’d ordered, they made their way up the stairs and onto the roof where the sun still hadn’t shone, but the rain had lessened. It was empty and they chose the two seats closest to the edge. They sat in silence for a while before Winter spoke up.

“So are you gonna tell me why you’re in such a bad mood or am I going to have to guess?” She took a bite out of her cold dessert.

“It’s kind of an anniversary of something bad.”

“Oh, really? What happened?” He almost told her that it wasn’t any of her business but decided against it.

“My A-aunt M-May died two years ago today. It was a drunk driver.” Winter didn’t speak for a while and Peter feared that he had made the situation awkward, but she simply wrapped her arms around him and held him. He returned the gesture and found himself finally being able to let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. The tears formed in his eyes before he could stop them but he just couldn’t stop them from falling. When Winter noticed she hugged him tighter and let him release his pent up emotions. “S-sometimes I-I can’t stop t-thinking about how disappointed s-she’d b-be.” He admitted. She pulled away before looking him in the eyes.

“Peter, even though I’ve only known you for a little while, I can already tell that you’re an amazing person. And I’m sure that your aunt is looking down on you right now and proud as fuck at who you’ve turned out to be. Have you hit a few bumps in the road? Yeah. But you’re still here and you’re still trying.” She wrapped him in one final hug before they both stood up.

“Well, my ice cream’s melted.” Peter joked. They shared a laugh before making their way downstairs. When he looked at the clock it was only 11. “Wanna go shopping?”

“Do unicorns shit rainbows?” she asked, as she hooked her arm in his and started down the street.

***

Around 2 p.m. the teenagers had settled at a quaint café that was nestled between a couple of upscale buildings. Peter had opted for a latte while Winter had gotten an iced coffee. Sometimes she would crack a joke and they would spend far too long laughing at it. Peter was trying to be happy. He really was trying. But he couldn’t shake the images of May’s bloody body no matter how hard he tried. Don’t get him wrong, Winter was definitely helping to distract him from his feelings, but he still felt so empty and sad.

“Hey, you okay?” She asks as she stirs her coffee but keeps eye contact.

“Yeah, I’m fine really. Just thinking.” She nods like she’s not gonna push forward with the conversation before coming to sit next to Peter in the booth. He looks up at her and smiles. She returns the gesture before grabbing his hand and squeezing it.

“Peter, this day has truly been amazing. You make me feel really happy.”

“You too, Winter. Thanks for getting me out of there.” He gazes down at her lips before looking back at her eyes, a way of asking permission. She nods and leans in. It was perfect. Peter was finally going to get to kiss the girl that he’d had a crush on for weeks now. They were getting closer and closer before-

“PETER PARKER-STARK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!” The two teenagers quickly looked over to the front of the café, where Tony, Pepper, and who Peter assumed was Winter's mother stood. They look really angry. No scratch that. They looked _pissed._ Peter could only assume that turning his phone off completely still didn’t stop Tony from tracking him. Winter inhaled and exhaled, and squeezed Peter’s hand, before grabbing her bag and walking over to her mother. She had already started in on a lecture while Winter nodded and said quiet “sorry’s”.

Tony was fuming and gestured for Peter to come over. Peter scrambled to get up from the booth while grabbing his backpack and his latte, which he threw in the trash on the way out. His parents were silent for the whole ride throughout Manhattan back to their house. Peter’s thoughts were racing. And while he was really sorry about the mistake that he’d made, he still didn’t regret the day that he’d spent with Winter. He would smile about it if Tony didn’t continue to glance at him in the mirror every so often before shaking his head in disappointment. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone. He just wanted to get away for a little bit.

Once they were out of the car and inside, Pepper gestured for him to take a seat on the couch. They stood and watched him for a second. Tony was the first to break the silence. “Do you know how scary it is to get a call that your son has left _rehab_ with another patient and they can’t find you?” Peter assumed it was rhetorical and didn’t say anything. “There’s a trust that’s given to you when we drop you off there. You’re supposed to be learning how to cope with your problems. Pete, I thought something horrible had happened. I thought--.” Tony cut himself off before taking a seat next to Peter. Peter had already begun to feel the hot tears streaming down his face. He hated letting people down.

“What were you thinking, honey? Why did you leave?” Pepper asked.

“I’m sorry. I just- today is M-May’s d-death anniversary,” He tried to speak around the sobs that were soon to break through. “I-I couldn’t be in a room with people discussing my feelings. I felt so claustrophobic. Winter suggested that we get out of there for one day and I agreed with her. We didn’t do anything stupid, we just walked around New York. I-I’m sorry.” More tears fell as he finished his sentence.

Pepper and Tony glanced at each other before looking back at their boy. “Peter, honey, why didn’t you just tell us? We could have kept you home for one day. You have to tell us when stuff is bothering you. It’s the only way that we can help you.”

“I know. I just don’t wanna be a burden—.”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Pete. No problem that you ever have is going to be an issue for us. That’s our job. To take care of you and to make sure that you’re happy. You could never be a burden to us. Look, we know this day is hard for you. It would be hard for anyone. But just know that we’ll always be in your corner to support you. We’ll always be there to help you if things get to be too much. Got it?”

“Got it.” And with that, Peter embraced both his parents, feeling more at peace than he had all day.


	14. little aftermaths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! i know i’ve been gone for like a year almost but i’m back and i’m so excited to continue this story. it’s literally my baby. i turned seventeen on valentine’s day and i made a vow to keep this going. so for everyone who was really excited to read and wanted more chapters, here ya go!!

The next few days pass in a blur. Without Winter being in the same group as Peter, he’s actually forced to confront the real problems at hand and the real reasons that he does what he does.  _ That _ is not a fun task to do. But he hopes that if he shows them that he’s making progress that they’ll let him go back to his original group. 

“And Peter. Why don’t you tell us about the feelings that you have when you distract yourself with the euphoria of drugs?” That’s Whitney, his new group leader. She’s tall and in her mid-30s but by the way she talks, you’d never know. She’s nice and all but she’s straight to the point. She doesn’t waste time. The group looks to him with expectancy and he knows that he has to say something. 

“Uh, it’s a nice feeling,” She stares at him longer indicating that she’s not gonna take that as an answer. He sighs. “It’s like swimming in the ocean but you don’t have a fear of drowning. And you just keep swimming around and you’re weightless and free. Nothing can hurt you and you feel yourself finally slipping away from everything that’s ever hurt you. But then it’s like someone put an anchor on you while you weren’t looking. All of a sudden you’re drowning. And you spend so long trying to float to the top again until you sink.” She stares at him and nods, writing something down on her notepad. 

“Nicely done, Peter. It takes a lot of courage to share those intimate feelings with people that you barely know. Thank you.” She soon moves on to another kid who most definitely doesn’t want to be there, but Peter has already zoned out. That rush of doing something wrong with someone that you really like was exhilarating. When group had finally ended, Whitney asked him to stay behind for just a second. The others went to the community room to wait for individual therapy. “You like Winter?” He blushes. 

“Um, yeah. We’re really good friends.” She raises an eyebrow at the “friends” part before continuing. 

“Do you think you would be able to focus properly if I recommended that you two be placed back in the same group?” He nods quickly. “I think you two have been separated for long enough. You made a dumb mistake and you’ve both apologized prefously. And Dr. Bea says Winter’s also doing exceptionally well.” Even if he wanted to know what was going on in the world of Winter, there’s no way he could have found out. He was pretty sure that she got her phone taken away and he didn’t want to push it by possibly texting her and getting her in even more trouble. So he just left it. 

“If you could, I would really appreciate it. She’s a really good friend of mine. It won’t happen again. I promise.” She takes a second to look into his eyes, maybe to try to see if he’s lying but she’s convinced. 

“Alright. I’ll talk it over with the other staff and we’ll let you know when you come in tomorrow.” He nods and takes that as his cue to go and wait with everyone else. But not before thanking her. 

❃❃❃

Back at home, Peter takes this time to catch up on some of the schoolwork that he missed. It was actually quite nice to be focusing on something other than drugs and how much he missed them. He had turned on his soft rock in the background and was tapping along as he solved the advanced chemical equations that lay before him. It was easy for him and it felt like he finally had control over  _ something _ in his life. 

When May was still alive, he would do his homework at the dinner table. She said she liked to see him sitting there when she got off of work. She said it was nice to come home to someone who always brightened her day. May had gone through so much. Every single bill had fallen on her. But you never heard her complain about it. Never heard her so much as cry or yell when she had all the right in the world too. They weren’t poor by any means but they weren’t anywhere near the level that some of Peter’s other friends were. He was fine. He didn’t need luxury or fancy things. He just needed his rock. He needed May. It was cold when he got to the scene. That’s what he could remember. The sun wasn’t out anymore. He had raced from their house, running as fast as he could. The whole time he was wishing and praying for her to be okay. He’ll never forget how her face looked when she laid motionless in that car. Bloodied and bruised. Her mouth agape as if she wanted to say something more but didn’t get the chance. That picture still haunts him to this day. 

“-eter? Peter?” He snaps out of his thoughts and looks over to Tony who looks confused and worried. “What’s the matter?” 

“Nothing. I’m fine. Just doing Chemistry.” He sits up straight as to appear normal but Tony isn’t buying it. 

“You know, when you’re trying to convince someone that everything’s fine, it helps to not be crying.” Peter swipes at the tears that he didn’t know had appeared before chuckling. “So what’s going on?” 

Peter sighs before looking at him. “I can’t thank you enough for taking me in after M-m-” he takes a breath, choosing to skip over her name. “After everything happened. I don’t know where I’d be if you didn’t. But ever since she p-passed, it’s felt like a giant piece of me is missing. She made me whole. She was my everything.” He can’t help the salty tears that soon follow his admission. 

“Bud, I know that you miss her. And you never need to feel guilty about that. She raised you, you guys were family. I don’t expect you to just up and forget about her. I  _ want _ you to remember her. I want you to remember everything that you guys did. But I want you to remember the good memories. She’d want you to think of her that way. She wouldn’t want you to bottle these emotions up either,” The two shared an embrace and Peter felt safer than ever. They pulled away before long but the smile never left his face. “And she’d also probably want you to clean this pigsty up, Pete.” He laughed. The thing is, he knows that just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean that she’s forgotten. And even now, he’d like to think that her spirit is watching over him, guiding him, and letting him know that even when things get too bad that ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again thanks so much for reading! stay safe!


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